Roughhousing is a very important part of play and child development, especially for boys. It is important that we try to facilitate this if possible. So here is how to roughhouse with boys without ending things in tears.
I’m an all boy! I have 4 boys that love to roughhouse every chance they get. This can be really fun and really exhausting. Sometimes these wrestling sessions didn’t end on a good note. So I had to figure out how I could let them experience this essential kind of play without ending with tears.
MAKE ROUGHHOUSING A TEACHING TOOL
There is a lot of research and data on the importance of wrestling or roughhousing for kids. The most intelligent and emotional animals all engage in play (think dolphins, apes and your dog). They learn boundaries, and physical and emotional skills.
01 BUILDS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
When children are roughhousing they are learning to read other’s emotions as well as how to control their own. Being able to read people and control their emotions is a skill that will serve them way beyond childhood and give them confidence in themselves.
02 TEACHES ETHICS AND MORALS
Your kids are learning to follow rules to play fair and not just to win. Self-handicapping is a skill learned when children realize its all about fun. The stronger or bigger child learns to hold back to allow other’s a chance. This teaches empathy. Kids learn kindness, respect and boundaries. This doesn’t come fast, these skills will take time to learn.
03 LEARNING SELF CONTROL
This is so important. Kids are learning to calm themselves when they get too rough. They learn to hold back when necessary. They learn immediately that their actions have consequences. Again, this is going to take time to learn and longer to master. But the more opportunity they have to practice the faster it will come.
04 KEEPS KIDS FIT
Roughhousing helps kids strengthen their bodies and become more physically aware. They learn better hand-eye coordination and to be aware of their whole surroundings to avoid injury. The boost of natural endorphins also adds to the joy of wrestling.
THE RULES
Make sure everyone knows the rules and they know there is a natural consequence when the rules are broken. The most natural consequence would be they no longer get to roughhouse with you for the rest of the day. Here are my suggested rules:
01 YOU MUST VERBALLY ASK TO ROUGHHOUSE
No jumping people suddenly. You have to both agree that you want to roughhouse. This is so important for avoiding arguments. If the person says NO you have to respect their choice.
02 NEVER PIN YOUR CHILD
The point of wrestling or roughhousing with your boys is not to exert dominance. No one likes feeling helpless, no one likes being held against their will. For some it is even scary or angering.
And no one wants to play a game they can’t win. You are most likely bigger and stronger then your child and there is no reason to ever use that against them.
03 THE ONLY PURPOSE OF WRESTLING IS FUN
My boys are programmed to win. It’s frustrating but their competitive sides especially with each other are strong. I have to state this rule clearly from the begging if you aren’t here to have fun and laugh together you cannot play. If at any point they get too focused on winning they have to take a break or be done for the day.
04 NO BITING, KICKING, PUNCHING, PULLING HAIR OR CLOTHES
These are all pretty obvious but when kids get a little to emotional about winning or losing all bets are off. There is no give on this rule. As soon as it’s broken they lose the opportunity to roughhouse for the rest of the day.
They have learned this rule quickly and its because I’m consistent with it. The number of violations diminished very quickly.
I also have to add in here that I verbally teach my kids where it is appropriate to touch each other and me (avoid private areas).
05 HAVE A SAFE WORD
Our “safe word” is freeze, as soon as anyone says it we all have to freeze. Even if we are laughing while saying it. We take a few minutes to breathe and resume again if we want to.
PARENTS MODEL HOW TO ROUGHHOUSE WITH BOYS
Your involvement is not only fun time with your kids, but it is the best way to model how to follow the rules and play fair. You may not want to get involved with wrestling or roughhousing your kids but I highly recommend giving it a try before saying it’s not for you.
Model that its okay and fun if your not “winning” the whole time. Model being a good sport with “you got me” and “wow your fast.”
Showing restraint as a stronger and bigger person teaches empathy, self-control and fairness. These are all essential characteristics of a well adjusted person.
Help kids see that it less about winning, and more about laughing and spending time together.
When you model good behavior your kids have a recipe to follow for the those times they are wrestling siblings without you.
TIP: MOVE IN SLOW MOTION
My number one trick to wrestling and roughhousing with my boys is I move in slow motion. Totally serious here! You slowly lift them, you slowly roll them over, you go slowly. This is great for 3 BIG reasons:
01 KIDS FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE A CHANCE
Kids just don’t have the speed or strength to seriously contend with an adult. And no one likes to play a game they feel like they can’t do well. So let them feel like they are capable.
02 AVOID ACCIDENTAL BUMPS AND BRUISES
Moving slowly means your movements are controlled and thought out. You can anticipate your child’s movements too. You also have the chance to move quickly if need be to catch a rouge leg.
03 YOU DON’T ENCOURAGE REFLEX REACTIONS
When someone jumps at you, your reflexes/fight or flight kick in. This is when accidents happen! So if you are moving slowly with your child they won’t feel the need to lash out to protect themselves.
CONCLUSION
Wrestling or roughhousing is not bad it’s good! The benefits are so important for your child and you. Your bonding and passing on important life skills. It may not appear that way but you will soon see a change.
I watch as my two older sons interact with the two younger when wrestling. I see them employing the same strategies I have modeled for them. They are soft and sweet, encouraging, conscience o f the younger siblings feelings and movements.
It makes my heart full when I hear my older sons say “you got me!” and their little sibling giggle with pure joy!
Take the time and put in the effort to make roughhousing a positive teaching tool in your home. You won’t regret it! I hope these helped you learn how to roughhouse with boys!
Please comment with ideas and thoughts that work for you and your kids!